Beauty Clay and Shaving Soap

Damon Runyon

DEAR SIR the other night when I was going to bed my wife Ethel was walking around with her face covered with stuff and I ses see here Ethel do you think it is nice when a fellow is going to bed to see his wifes face covered with stuff so she looks like a ghost? I ses it looks terrible.

Ethel ses wait a minute Joe I cannot talk so good right now but later on after she had taken the stuff off and I was almost asleep she came in and shook me wide awake and ses Joe what did you say a little while ago about my face? I ses it looks terrible. I ses I mean when you have got that stuff on it.

She ses that was only beauty clay for my complexion and I ses I dont care what it was it makes you look terrible when you have got it on. She ses why Joe dont you want me to have a nice complexion and I ses well I never saw any difference between your complexion after you have had that stuff on. I ses I don’t think it is a nice sight for a husband to see his wife with stuff on her face so all you can see of her is her eyes.

Ethel ses O is that so? I ses yes that is so and she ses why Joe everybody uses beauty clay for their complexion nowadays and I ses what do you mean everybody? I ses do you see me using it? I ses do you see me plastering my face with that stuff?

Ethel ses no but how about you in the mornings when you are shaving? I ses what about me then. She ses you smatter your face all over with a lot of soap. I ses well that is nothing but soap and I have to smatter it on so it will soften my whiskers and I can shave better.

She ses well do you think you look like any bargain when your face is smattered with soap? She ses you stick your head out of the bathroom door when you have your face all smattered up and talk to me and I have to look at you whether I want to or not. What is the difference between me having beauty clay on my face and you having your face all smattered up with soap I would like to know?

I ses look Ethel everybody uses soap on their faces to shave with and it comes right off with the razor and anyway it does not hide everything on my face but my eyes and she ses maybe it would be better if it did. I ses Ethel what does that crack mean and she ses O nothing. I ses well it sounded to me like something.

Ethel ses look Joe when your face is all smattered with soap and you stick your head out of the bathroom door to talk to me you always splutter soap at me out of your mouth and I do not think that is so pretty but I never say anything about it. I never say anything about you gargling when you brush your teeth so loud they can hear you down to the corner although sometimes I could scream.

I ses Ethel when a man brushes his teeth he has to gargle a little so as to swash the toothpaste around in his mouth and she ses well he has a right to gargle quiet so the neighbors will not hear. Another thing I never say anything to you about that goo you put on your hair although you are awful careless about whose brush and comb you use and you are always leaving that goo in my brush and comb.

I ses Ethel that is not goo I use on my hair. I ses it is only a little hair tonic to keep my hair slicked down so I will look neat. She ses yes I guess you like to look neat in case you run into that old Abbie Schultz.

I ses Ethel I have not seen Abbie Schultz in a month of Sundays and what if I did? I ses I am only old friends with Abbie Schultz and Ethel ses well you always thought she was good looking. I ses well she is and what harm is there in me thinking so? I ses I have not seen Abbie Schultz in three months and Ethel ses well that last time you saw her you stood and talked to her ten minutes. I heard all about it.

I ses why Ethel all I talked about to her was the weather and Ethel ses what weather? I ses well the weather we was having and Ethel ses if you see that old Abbie Schultz again and talk to her tell her I think it would be a good idea for her to use plenty of beauty clay herself every night. She has got a complexion like a brick wall. I guess she got it from standing out in the weather talking about the weather to fellows like that.

I ses well Ethel honey everybody cannot have a complexion like you. I ses it is like peaches and cream and Ethel ses O Joe do you really think so. I ses it is a cinch and she ses that comes of using the beauty clay and I ses Ethel from now on you can use all the beauty clay you like and I will never say a word and now let me go to sleep again and she ses Joe you can smatter your face with soap all you want to but please try not to make so much noise gargling good night.

JOE TURP.