Liver and Onions

Damon Runyon

DEAR SIR the other night when I got home from work I ses to my wife Ethel well sweets what have you got to surprise your old husband with for dinner? Ethel ses why Joe I have got liver and onions.

I ses that is a fine thing for a fellow who has been working hard all day to come home to. I ses if I had thought this was liver and onions day I would have got a sandwich down at Schultzes and let it go at that. Ethel ses why Joe liver and onions is very nourishing and besides it is very hard to think up something different every day for your dinner.

I ses well all right Ethel but I had kind of got my mouth all set for something besides liver and onions and she ses I think we ought to be thankful we have got that. A lot of people in this world would be mighty glad to have liver and onions. I ses Ethel now you are talking like your Moms and Ethel ses well it is true and besides I love liver and onions especially onions.

After dinner we went to see a movie and when we got up to leave after it was all over Ethel ses O darn it Joe theres a run in my stocking from these seats. A little piece of something is sticking out somewhere and caught it. I ses well you ought to be careful where you put your legs in theatres. I ses come on lets go home and she ses no I am going to see the manager of this theatre and tell him about my stocking. He ought to buy me a new pair.

I ses Ethel lets not have any more arguments with these theatre managers and she ses thats just the trouble with you Joe. You are always afraid to stick up for your rights and I ses nothing happened to my stocking and she ses no or you would be making an awful row. I am going to see the manager Joe and you can come with me or not as you please.

So we went out front and found the manager and Ethel stuck out her leg to show him where the run was in her stocking and she ses look at this. The manager ses I am looking madam and its fine. I never saw a better one in my life. Ethel ses do you mean this run? He ses what run? She ses the run in my stocking and he ses O I thought you meant something else.

I ses Ethel this is just a smart aleck fellow. I ses you let me talk to him and he ses who are you? I ses I am Joe Turp and this is my wife Ethel and she has got a run in her stocking off your seats and you ought to buy her a new pair of stockings. He ses O I ought to ought I? I ses yes you ought to and Ethel ses yes that is so mister. Besides making people look at terrible pictures you have got seats that ruin their stockings and then you get fresh with them when they say something.

He ses madam I am not responsible for your stockings and she ses who is then? He ses you have got them there. She ses well you are responsible for those little pieces of something sticking out on your seats and I could sue you. He ses go ahead madam and I will split the judgement with you. I ses Ethel I tell you this is just a smart aleck fellow and maybe I better take the price of your stockings out of his hide.

The manager ses I guess you two have been drinking and I ses buddy dont give me that old stuff. I ses that is what everybody ses nowadays when they get into an argument and just then a cop came along and the manager ses officer these people have been drinking and this fellow is threatening me.

The cop ses what is the trouble? Ethel ses look cop look at my stocking where I got a run in it off his seats and then he got fresh when I showed it to him and asked him to buy me a new pair and now he ses we have been drinking. Look cop look. The cop ses well well well. I ses here Ethel will you please stop showing your legs to everybody that comes along? I ses what does a cop care about legs? The cop ses brother you would be surprised. I ses well I am a citizen of this town and I am entitled to a little justice.

The cop ses have you been drinking? I ses of course not and he ses to Ethel have you been drinking madam? She ses why cop thats silly. Look here now. Then she went hah in the cops face and he ses do it again madam. So she went hah again and he ses you have been eating onions. She ses sure I have. I always eat them with liver. The cop ses do you like liver and onions? Ethel ses I love it and the cop ses so do I.

Then he ses to the manager listen Mack do you know it is a serious thing to accuse people of drinking when they have not been doing it? They could cause you a lot of trouble Mack. The manager ses O I was only kidding with them and the cop ses I guess you better take care of this ladys stockings Mack and while I think of it I am going to send my own wife around to see you. She got a run off those seats of yours herself a week ago.

So the manager ses to Ethel well madam I apologize to you for what I ses about you drinking and she ses you have got to apologize to my husband Joe too and he ses all right Joe that goes for you also. Then he gave Ethel a strip of tickets for other pictures to make good on her stockings and he ses madam I want to tell you something. I like liver and onions myself and when we got home Ethel ses Joe do you know what? It was a good job we had those liver and onions after all.

Yours truly

JOE TURP.