Quins

Damon Runyon

DEAR SIR the other night my wife Ethel was reading the paper and she ses Joe what about Missus Dionne? I ses what Missus Dionne? Ethel ses why the lady who had the quintuplets.

I ses I thought Doc Dafoe had those quintuplets and Ethel ses now that is just it. What is the idea of nobody ever giving Missus Dionne the credit that is coming to her? It was quite a job having those quintuplets but nobody ever gives her the credit.

I ses why Ethel I never knew anybody was holding out anything on her and Ethel ses well you never see her name mentioned in the papers when they are talking about the quintuplets. Sometimes they put her name in when she is having another baby that is not a quintuplet but when it comes to the quins it is always something about that Doctor Dafoe or Mister Dionne. It is never anything about her. You would not think she was ever there when those quintuplets was born.

I ses look Ethel if it comes to giving anybody credit I think Mister Dionne is entitled to plenty. I ses I think he ought to have a medal and Ethel ses well Missus Dionne was the important one. Doctor Dafoe and Mister Dionne get all the credit but if it had not been for Missus Dionne where would they be? I ses Ethel I will ask you the same question about Mister Dionne? Where would Doc Dafoe and Missus Dionne be if it was not for Mister Dionne?

I ses anyway why are you so interested in Missus Dionne now? Ethel ses well it ses here in the paper that her husband is going to have his salary raised three hundred dollars a month out of the money the quins make but it does not say how much Missus Dionne will get out of that. I ses well Ethel maybe Mister Dionne will split it with her and Ethel ses like you do your salary with me.

I ses look Ethel I give you all my salary I can afford and sometimes more and she ses well perhaps that is what Mister Dionne tells Missus Dionne. I think she is entitled to more salary than he is. I ses O I suppose you think you are entitled to more salary than I am? Ethel ses I would if I had had quintuplets but I would not like to have to let the government raise my quins like Missus Dionne has to do.

I ses Ethel if you had quintuplets I guess the government would have to raise them all right because I would be on relief. Ethel ses yes but what about me? I would not want to be parted from my quintuplets and have them fenced off somewhere for people to come and stare. I would want to have them home with me so I could dress them up all alike and cute. Joe you would not let the government take my quins away from me would you?

I ses Ethel I guess the government is having a tough enough time as it is without looking for any quintuplets to raise. I ses I promise you now that I will never let yours be taken by the government if I have to go out and beg borrow and steal to take care of them and Ethel ses why Joe that is awful nice of you. I ses of course I want to get plenty of credit. I ses I think that would only be fair.

Ethel ses O I would see that you got some of the credit Joe but I would not let old Doctor Curtcher go around taking bows on my quintuplets like that Doctor Dafoe unless I was with him to take them too. I ses what has Doctor Curtcher got to do with it? Ethel ses O he would be there when my quintuplets came. I would not think of having anybody else there but Doctor Curtcher. My family has always had him when anybody has been born.

I ses I guess old Doc Curtcher will be excited when he hears he has got some business to look forward to and Ethel ses no Joe he does not get excited about those things. Doctor Curtcher brought forty new babies into the world in this neighborhood last year and he was not excited at all. He was very calm.

I ses well Ethel those were not quintuplets and she ses why there was six sets of twins and that is pretty good. I ses Ethel twins are just fair. I ses triplets are pretty good and quadruplets are fine but quintuplets are something extra special. I ses I bet old Doc Curtcher would be excited about them and Ethel ses well perhaps he would but just the same I would not stand for him taking any bows on them unless I was with him. I would not be pushed back like poor Missus Dionne and see him take the credit for everything.

I ses now you see you are not saying a word about me all this time. I ses you are not considering me at all. I ses where would I be when you and Doc Curtcher was taking bows? I ses I would be just like Mister Dionne with nobody giving me a boost once in a while or even thinking of me. I ses just for that I am now going to bed and Ethel ses O well you always get mad when you argue about something but I tell you what I would do Joe, to give you credit. I would name one of my quins after you even if it was a girl and I ses well Ethel that is swell of you and it is more than Mister Dionne got at that.

JOE TURP.