The Deb Sings Wuh Wuh Wuh

Damon Runyon

DEAR SIR last night I took my wife Ethel to a night club over in New York because it was Washingtons birthday and a holiday and a dame that the fellow who was announcing ses was a society deb came out in a loose dress and sang some songs and when we was ready to go and I asked the waiter for our check Ethel ses Joe do not pay that check until I see the owner of this place.

I ses whats wrong Ethel? She ses nothing is wrong but I just want to see the owner before you pay anything and I ses well cant you see him after I pay? She ses no I think I better see him first. Waiter you bring me the owner of this place right away and tell him that its important.

So the waiter went away and pretty soon he came back with a blond fellow with a nice smile and he ses pardon me but is there something wrong here? Ethel ses are you the owner of this place or just the manager? He ses lady I am the owner. I cant afford a manager the way things are just now. I ses are things tough in your line too? Ethel ses never mind business Joe. I want to talk to this gentleman a moment.

The owner ses lady I am at your disposal and Ethel ses my husband Joe and I came all the way over from Brooklyn to your place tonight. The owner ses why thats fine and I hope you enjoyed yourself and will come again. Ethel ses well we may if we get a rebate on this check here.

The owner picked up the check and looked at it and it was for four fifty which was for two beers for me and a sandwich for Ethel and he ses why lady what is your claim to a rebate on this check? Ethel ses it is for one of two things and one of them is that your loud speaker system is out of order.

The owner ses lady that is not possible because I just had it fixed today and you can hear for yourself the way that orchestra music is coming out of it that there is nothing wrong with the system. Ethel ses well then if the system is not out of order then those noises I heard a little while ago was that ladys natural voice.

The owner ses what lady? Ethel ses the lady the announcer ses was a society deb that just sang those songs and went eeee eeee eee all the time. I ses listen Ethel keep your own voice down a little will you? I ses you have got people looking at us and the manager ses wait a minute brother. Let them look. I want to hear what this lady ses. I ses that is my wife Ethel and he ses well all right but I still want to hear what she ses.

Ethel ses well I think we are entitled to a rebate on our check for those noises. I do not think it is fair to charge people full price when they have to listen to noises like that especially on Washingtons birthday. I would ask for a rebate in a store if I was not satisfied with the merchandise. I was very uncomfortable sitting here listening to the noises that lady made.

The owner ses waiter bring me a chair here. Lady I did not catch your name and Ethel ses my name is Ethel Turp and this is my husband Joe. He ses I am pleased to meet you both and especially you Missus Turp. Waiter bring a quart of our best champagne and three glasses at once. I ses mister we cannot afford champagne and he ses Joe it is all on me and so is this check.

Then he scribbled something on the four fifty check that I was going to pay and gave it to the waiter and he ses Missus Turp I want to thank you for taking a terrible load off my mind. I have been setting around this place for two weeks listening to that dame and I thought I heard awful noises myself but my patrons applaud her and tell me she is fine. Missus Turp I ses to myself if she is fine then I am crazy and I am tickled to death to find somebody else that heard the same thing I did.

Ethel ses well Mister Owner why do you have that lady here making those noises? He ses Missus Turp it is because she is a society deb like the announcer ses and a lot of her friends come here on account of her name. Ethel ses well dont they mind those noises? He ses no they do not seem to notice them but maybe that is because they are half unconscious to start with. How is the champagne Missus Turp?

Ethel ses it is fine. It tickles my nose. He ses waiter bring another bottle of champagne and Ethel ses Joe will you ever forget that lady going eee eee eee? The owner ses Missus Turp you are wrong. She goes wuh wuh wuh wuh.

Ethel ses no it is eee eee eee. I ses see here now the both of you. I ses everybody in the place is looking at us and the owner ses let them look. If they do not like us they know where they can go. Ethel ses yes let them look.

I ses Ethel you come on and lets go home and the owner ses yes and I will go with you because that society deb is coming out pretty soon to wuh wuh wuh again. Waiter tell the doorman to order my car. I am going to take my friends Mister and Missus Turp home. I am glad to find out I am not crazy.

Yours truly

JOE TURP.