The End of the World

Damon Runyon

DEAR SIR the other night my wife Ethel ses Joe people are certainly awfully crazy. I ses what people? She ses nearly all people.

I ses well now whats up? She ses why the paper ses that people listening to a radio broadcast last night run right out of their houses thinking the world was coming to an end. The broadcast was about some fellows coming down from Mars and landing in New jersey and killing people right and left.

I ses yes I read all about that Ethel. I ses I wish I could have heard it myself and maybe I would have if you had not been so anxious to see that movie. I ses everybody I meet ses they wish they could have heard that broadcast but they was all doing something else when it came off. I ses from what the paper ses it must have been very exciting.

Ethel ses well anyway Joe dont you think those people were crazy for running out of their houses that way? I ses well Ethel if somebody thinks the world is coming to an end I guess they just have to run somewheres. I ses if you thought the world was coming to an end what would you do?

Ethel ses I would not do anything. I would just set right here in my house and look out of the window and watch it. If the world was coming to an end I would want to be where I was comfortable when it happened and not be running around out in the street where something might fall on me and hurt me. Joe what would you do if you thought the world was coming to an end

I ses Ethel I guess I would run somewheres too. She ses where? I ses well I have never thought of where and she ses I bet you would run down to Schultz Bar. I ses well Ethel that is as good a place as any and she ses would you be scared Joe? I ses yes Ethel I guess I would be scared all right. I ses I guess I would be scared stiff and she ses then it is a good thing you did not hear that broadcast.

I ses hay Ethel I guess it was a good thing you did not hear it yourself or it would have made you terribly nervous and she ses O pooh Joe I would not have believed a word of it. I have been hearing about the world coming to an end ever since I was a little girl and it never has yet.

I ses where did you hear such a thing as that? She ses why my Pops always ses he guesses this is the end of the world. I ses what does he guess is the end of the world? She ses O anything that happens Joe like when Tammany gets beat in the election. Do you know what my Pops ses Joe? I ses well he ses so many things I cannot keep track of them all. She ses why he ses that it would be a good thing for everybody if the world did come to an end.

I ses Ethel sometimes your Pops makes me tired and she ses thats exactly what my Moms ses Joe. I ses what did your Pops think about that radio broadcast? I ses was he scared? Ethel ses he did not hear the broadcast himself and when somebody told him about it he was not scared a bit. My Pops ses he knew it must be a false alarm because if the world was coming to an end it would not start in New jersey. He ses it would start in the Bronx.

I ses why is that? Ethel ses I dont know why it is but that is what he ses. My Moms ses she thinks it is because a fellow who once skinned him in a business deal lives in the Bronx and that my Pops just hopes the world will start coming to an end there so he can see something happen to the fellow. Joe do you know what my Moms ses about the world coming to an end?

I ses my goodness Ethel do they always talk about things like the world coming to an end at your house? She ses why no Joe except when it comes up in the conversation like that radio broadcast. They talk about everything that is happening at my house. Joe you ought to go there oftener and hear what they talk about. It is very interesting.

I ses every time I go there your Uncle Dan is around and all he ever talks about is needing two bucks. I ses is that interesting? Ethel ses well Joe it is interesting to Uncle Dan but do you want to hear what my Moms ses? I ses well I guess I will have to hear it whether I want to or not and Ethel ses my Moms ses nobody need be afraid of the world coming to an end now.

I ses why is that? Ethel ses my Moms ses if the world was ever coming to an end it would have come to an end long before this. My Moms ses that if the world did not come to an end after all the wickedness and meanness she has seen in her life there is no reason for it to come to an end now when it is getting better. I ses what is getting better? Ethel ses why the world. That is what my Moms ses Joe. She ses the world is getting better.

I ses what does your Pops think about that Ethel? She ses O Joe he never ses what he thinks about anything my Moms ses.

JOE TURP.