United Kingdom Cuvee

Damon Runyon

DEAR SIR last night my wife Ethel ses to me Joe I bet it is a lot of fun being a Roosevelt. I ses why? She ses because if you are a Roosevelt you are always going to some other Roosevelts wedding and drinking United Kingdom Cuvee.

I ses what is United Kingdom Cuvee anyway? Ethel ses ho I knew you would not know that. It is champagne. I ses how do you know? She ses because it ses so here in the paper. It ses they are going to drink five hundred bottles of United Kingdom Cuvee at John Roosevelts wedding and then it ses that United Kingdom Cuvee is champagne.

I ses you mean to tell me the Roosevelts are going to drink that many bottles of champagne? I ses why that is enough champagne to make half of Brooklyn cockeyed. Ethel ses dont be silly Joe. Of course the Roosevelts are not going to drink all of it. They are going to have a lot of guests and guests always drink more of anything you have to drink than anybody else. They are going to have chicken a la king too Joe.

I ses I know what that is. I ses that is chicken all messed up so nobody can tell if it is chicken or what. I ses I do not like my chicken that way. I ses give me my chicken fried or roasted or even boiled the way the Jewish fellows fix it but not all messed up. Ethel ses well it is more fashionable a la king. That is why I bet it is fun to be a Roosevelt because they are always so fashionable at their weddings. They are going to have vanilla ice cream with fresh strawberries and assorted cakes and demitassys.

I ses is all that in the paper? Ethel ses yes and cold whole salmon mayonnaise and lettuce and tomato and cucumber salad. I ses cold what? She ses cold whole salmon mayonnaise. I ses see here Ethel I have seen salmons at the fish market and they are bigger than Shetland ponies. I ses nobody can eat a whole salmon not even a Roosevelt and she ses O I guess they will finally cut it up in little pieces but it is very fashionable to serve it whole.

I ses well it does not sound like much of a feed to me and Ethel ses yes it is pretty nice. It is just like I would want at my own wedding if I had it to do over again especially the United Kingdom Cuvee. That is champagne. I ses so you told me before. I ses what was the matter with what you had at your wedding? I ses you had hamburgers and plenty of beer and Ethel ses yes Joe but that is not fashionable. I am mortified every time I think of it now.

I ses I bet those Roosevelts would like it better than champagne and chicken a la king if they had their choice. I ses especially Mister Roosevelt. I ses he looks to me like a hamburgers and beer man more than he does a champagne and chicken a la king man. Ethel ses why Joe Turp it would be terribly unfashionable to serve stuff like that at a Roosevelts wedding. The guests would be horrified.

I ses well Ethel maybe they would but they would have something that would stick to their ribs instead of champagne and chicken a la king. I ses they must be going to have something else to drink besides champagne and Ethel says yes the paper ses they will have temperance drinks too. I guess that means soft drinks. I ses well that is a waste of money. I ses I am glad we did not get an invitation to that wedding because I might get hold of those temperance drinks by mistake.

Ethel ses dont be silly Joe. You know you would never make a mistake like that. I notice you always smell everything before you drink it. I ses well anyway I am glad we was not invited and Ethel ses I wish we had been. I ses why? She ses because then I could have brought some of those nice things to eat back to old Missus Grimshaw.

I ses what is the idea of that? Ethel ses why you know very well Missus Grimshaw is on the relief and she does not get enough out of it to buy herself a square meal. I would have brought back some of those nice things like the chicken a la king and some United Kingdom Cuvee. That is the champagne Joe. I ses listen Ethel I ought to know it is champagne by now. I ses you have told me often enough and she ses well I just want to make sure you understand it. Besides I like to say the name.

I ses well dont be trying to say it the next time we go into Grogans joint or people will think we are getting swelled up. Ethel ses I guess Missus Grimshaw would not like the cold whole salmon mayonnaise because she has to eat everything cold that she gets as it is. She does not get enough money from the relief to pay for gas to cook on but I bet she would love that chicken a la king and that United Kingdom Cuvee and maybe some of those little cakes.

I ses yes Missus Grimshaw and fourteen million others and Ethel ses what do you mean? I ses never mind now honey but I tell you what I am going to do for you. I ses I am going to take you down to Grogans and buy you something to eat and Ethel says why that is marvelous Joe. I have talked so much about what the Roosevelts are going to have that I am starving. I ses what do you think you would like to eat baby? Ethel ses why you know very well Joe it is hamburgers and beer.

JOE TURP.